I Don't Want Your Memory (But It's All I Have)
by The Self-Proclaimed Book Whore
Summary: "My husband is dead," Arthur said flatly. "I know that, sir. Believe me, I do." Merlin dies while deployed. Arthur tries to survive without him, one day at a time. SAS!Merlin heartbroken!Arthur. Merthur. Swearing. character death(ish), mentions of suicide. happy ending :D


**Helloooooo,**

 **Just another Merthur oneshot, can never have enough of those ;)**

 **I suppose if you want to you can listen to _Here With Me_ and probably even _The Way It Was, Runaways_ at a stretch too. They're all by the Killers off their album _Battle Born_. But, yeah, mostly just _Here With Me_.**

 **My knowledge of stuff come from google and reading novels and other fanfics, so I'm so very sorry if I offend anyone. I've never lost anyone this close to me in such a way, so this is me guessing how it would feel, how people would react.**

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of attempted suicide, nothing graphic.**

* * *

It starts with a knock on his door at 2:19 in the morning.

Bleary eyed and in only a pair of pyjama pants and Merlin's SAS hoodie Arthur stumbles to the door. A man in uniform stands on the other side.

"Mr Pendragon?" he asks.

Arthur nods, heart already clenching in his chest.

"I am sorry, Mr Pendragon. But at 0630 hours this morning local time, Captain Emrys' unit were attacked whilst on patrol. As of 0700 hours Captain Emrys and his unit have been classified as Killed in Action. You have my most sincere apologies, Mr Pendragon. Captain Emrys was a most valued member of the Special Air Service."

Arthur didn't really remember anything after that.

He knows he had called Morgana, who'd rushed to their… _his_ apartment with Leon. That both of them had sat with him on the floor as it finally sunk in and he started to break apart. He knows that they called the others to let them know and called the school too. He knows that Leon made scrambled eggs and Morgana forced him into eating them. He knows that Percival came by at the end of the school day and helped Leon carry him into thei… his bed before Morgana handed him two pills and a glass of water.

He knows it happened, but all he remembers was the torture of his heart shattering.

* * *

 _Arthur stared at his friends._

" _What just happened?" he asked in confusion._

 _Gwaine swore and stalked off after Merlin, but not before glaring at Arthur._

" _Arthur," Leon sighed and leant forward. "Have you ever noticed that you treat Merlin differently to how you treat the rest of us?" he asked gently._

 _Arthur frowned. "Of course I treat him differently. He's Merlin, so I treat him like Merlin. Just like I treat you like you, and Morgana like Morgana, and Gwaine like Gwaine… I don't get the problem with that."_

" _That's not what I mean," Leon said patiently. "Think about_ how _you act with him. You know; the way you touch him, the way you talk to him. How you even look at him differently."_

" _Well I can't exactly look at him like he was Gwen, now can I? I'd be staring at his chest."_

 _Gwen flushed a bit but said nothing, she knew she was short._

" _Oh, good grief," Morgana muttered. "It's no wonder you drive him completely loopy. Heavens knows how he's managed to put up with you without putting all that technological knowhow to good use and absolutely fucking with your entire life."_

 _Percival, who had been quiet the entire time, set down his glass and sighed. "Arthur, listen to me," he said._

 _Arthur twisted in his seat so he could look at the large man, thankful that_ someone _was finally going to give him a straight answer._

" _Merlin is in love with you," Percival said slowly, making sure to be clear._

 _Arthur blinked. "He is?"_

" _Yes!" most of their table yelled at him._

" _Oh," Arthur said quietly._

" _And you are in love with him," Percival finished._

" _I am…" Arthur trailed off before he could finish the question. "Oh."_

 _He missed the looks his friends were exchanging over his head as he stared at his jean covered knees._

" _Oh," he repeated, falling forward until his face was hidden in his hands. "Ohhhhhh, god._ Ssssssssssssshit. _Jesus. Fuck. Goddamn. Buggering balls."_

 _A warm hand rested on his back, rubbing slow, long circles as his swearing turned into him almost hyperventilating. Finally he looked up, lightheaded and dizzy._

" _Why the_ bloody hell _would anyone want to feel like this?" he asked in a stricken voice, hand rubbing over his heart._

* * *

The funeral was closed casket because there had been no bodies left.

Merlin was buried next to his father, Lieutenant Balinor Emrys.

Arthur was presented with the British Flag and post-mortem honours that Merlin had been awarded.

It was a sunny day.

* * *

Uther, for all that he was never around when they were children, does actually care about them.

He doesn't do anything more than sit with Arthur in silence.

He doesn't make Arthur take sleeping pills like Morgana. He doesn't make sure he's eating like Leon. He doesn't try to get him pissed like Gwaine. He doesn't try get him to talk like Lance. He doesn't try to get him out of the flat like Gwen. He doesn't try to cheer him up like Elena. He doesn't recommend therapy like Mordred and Elyan. He doesn't try to get him to move on like everyone else does.

"How do you do it?" Arthur asks the sixth or seventh time Uther comes around. Every single time Uther had just accepted a mug of tea before just sittin in the same room as Arthur for some hours, sometimes doing his own work and other times reading a novel.

Uther doesn't pretend to not understand.

"When you were five months old I tried to end my own life," Uther says quietly, folding his hands on his knees as Arthur stares at him in shock. "Ygraine was everything to me and I had no desire to live without her. When everyone else pushed me to moving on, Hunith was just there. When I was ready to listen to, she told me you don't do it all at once."

Uther got up and moved to sit next to Arthur on the couch, taking his son's hand in his own.

"She told me you try for one minute. And after one minute you try for another. And once you can survive for a minute you try for two. And then you try for five minutes. And you just keep trying."

* * *

 _Arthur ran a hand through Merlin's long hair. He would miss it when it got cut before his R &R ended. He was only thankful that it had fallen between terms this time. The last time Merlin had been back it had been right in the middle of exam period and almost all of Arthur's spare time had been taken up by marking._

 _Bending over slightly he pressed a kiss to Merlin's head, letting his hand slip from Merlin's hair to fiddle with the metal dog tags hanging around his neck. He startled slightly when Merlin's hand came up to rest on his, their fingers twinging together._

 _Merlin hissed slightly and Arthur whispered an apology, removing his hand from the burnt red skin. It never failed to amuse him how Merlin spent so much time in the dessert and he still got ridiculously sunburnt when they spent the day at the park with the guys._

 _The sheet he was planning next year's classes on was tugged out from under his hand. And then Merlin's hands were on his face and pulling his down into another kiss._

* * *

Arthur sat across from Principal Kilgharrah as the elderly man eyed him.

"I need to be here, sir." Arthur said quietly. It was the day after the funeral.

Kilgharrah just looked at him, eyebrow raised.

"My husband is dead," Arthur said flatly when Kilgharrah didn't say anything. "I know that, sir. Believe me, I do. But I _can't_ sit at home anymore wondering about what happened. Who killed him, why his unit was attacked, which group were responsible, whether he suffered, what he was thinking whe… I can't. It won't change anything and it won't bring him back. Sitting at home doing nothing is not what he would have wanted me to do. I need to be here. I need to do something. My students need me."

Kilgharrah nodded. "Very well then, Mr Pendragon. I just want you to be sure that this is the right thing for you."

"It is," Arthur said immediately.

"Then know you have my, and the rest of the faculty's, full support."

* * *

" _We should get married," Merlin said, leaning against the kitchen counter as he shamelessly stared at Arthur._

 _Arthur dropped the spatula he was using to flip pancakes. "What!?" he squeaked, spinning around._

 _Merlin set down his mug of coffee and slipped across the room so he was inches away from Arthur. "Marry me," he repeated. "I… we… DADT's being repealed," he said in a rush. "Major Valiant let it slip. I want us to get married."_

" _When?" was all Arthur asked and a smile burst onto Merlin's face._

 _The smile slowly twisted into a devious smirk as Merlin stuck a hand into Arthur's pocket. Pulling out the phone, Merlin tapped away for a couple minutes, his tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth._

" _Six hours," he said, holding up the phone for Arthur to read the group text he had sent. The first line was an address, the second a time and the third a simple instruction._

 _Five hours and fifty minutes later they arrived at the chapel. Everyone was already there. As per the instructions Gwaine was in a monkey onesie, a top hat and monocle and bright pink shoes; Leon was dressed up as Elvis; Percival in a gladiator's costume; Elena in a fairy queen costume Arthur knew she had borrowed from the drama rooms; Gwen and Lance were in matching Doctor and Rose costumes; Elyan, Mordred and Owain were dressed as the Powerpuff Girls._

 _Both Merlin and Arthur were in long white dresses (Arthur's slightly poufy with lace over the top while Merlin's was more form-fitting and strapless with an open back). They both had paper crowns on their heads._

 _Gaius, known for being a bit…_ odd _came walked in. "Ahhh, you must be the Emrys-Pendragon party," he said, a knowing twinkle in his eye._

 _The large group stumbled into The Rising Sun almost twelve hours later, just as the sun was rising, for breakfast._

 _Alice, the woman who owned the lovely little café, just shook her head at them before pressing kisses to both Merlin and Arthur's cheeks. Uther texted Arthur his congratulations barely ten minutes later._

* * *

"Please…"

Arthur was curled up in bed.

"Please. Please. Please."

He hates sleeping.

It's not because he has nightmares. He used to have them. He used to have nightmares about Merlin dying, about him never coming back.

They stopped when it really happened.

Now he dreams of Merlin.

He dreams of the time they took a road trip all their friends during the break before their third year at uni, they had hired a mini-bus so they could all travel in the one vehicle. He dreams of their wedding night, at least what he remembers of it. He dreams of lazy mornings in bed when Merlin was home. He dreams of final holding Merlin at the airport after a long few months of being separated. He dreams the food fight they had while making cookies. He dreams of lying tangled on the couch while they don't pay attention to the movie playing on the tv. He dreams of bickering about absolute nonsense just so he could hear Merlin's voice. He dreams of Merlin helping with his marking so they could get to more _exciting_ activities quicker. He dreams of…

He dreams of Merlin.

The taste of his skin. His lips on Arthur's. Merlin's hands all over him. The smell of his hair when he curled up on top of Arthur on the couch. The feel of their bodies touching in as many places as possible. The sound of his voice as he whispered in Arthur's ear. The vibrations of his laugh coursing through Arthur's chest. The unfathomable blue of his eyes as they stare straight into his heart. His goofy grin that he only wears for Arthur.

Most nights Arthur wakes up and for a split second he forgets. He forgets that Merlin died, that he's not coming back.

It breaks his heart all over again every single time.

He wakes up crying and begging. The other teachers don't comment when he arrives in the staff room, eyes tinged pink and puffy.

* * *

"… _you're the voice try and understand it. Make a noise and make it clear_ …" the music blares out from Arthur's phone.

" _Take me to Glasgow._ " Arthur snuffles a laugh as fresh tears roll down his face at video-Merlin's random comment.

In the video their heads bob in sync and the video-Merlin turns his head to look at video-Arthur. It hits Arthur hard when he sees the absolute love in video-Merlin's eyes and rage build in his chest. Curling up even tighter he flings the phone at the wall.

A moment passes before he realises what he's done and Arthur scrambles off the bed to collapse on the floor next to his phone. The screen is cracked a corner in flattened but he sobs in relief as it turns on.

His phone is filled with photos and videos, texts from Merlin he refuses to delete and rereads over and over again. He used to call Merlin's number and listen to his voice mail message before talking until his time ran out, leaving hundreds of messages that Merlin would never check. When Morgana found out she cancelled Merlin's mobile line.

His phone is filled with Merlin. He doesn't want his phone, he wants the real thing. But his phone is one of the next best options because he's never getting the real thing back.

It scares him that someday he might forget the sound of Merlin's voice or the taste of his lips or the line of his carved cheekbones. He stares for hours at the phone, flipping back and forth through all his album over and over again until his hands cramps up.

* * *

 _Somehow they get recruited by Elena into being a part of her Film & TV course assignment._

 _Which is how they end up in the middle of nowhere in medieval drab._

 _They are both dressed up as their namesakes; Arthur as King-Arthur-of-Camelot and Merlin as a young Merlin-the-Wizard._

 _Their friends think it's hilarious and join in as their Knights of the Round Table._

 _Gwaine, for reasons still not completely known, brought along his father's ancient radio and it hangs from a branch, blasting out the only station it receives._

"… _ll someone's daughter, we're all someone's son. Down the barrel of a gun…"_

 _Arthur nudges Merlin in the ribs as they sit on a log, waiting for Elena to get ready for whatever she want them to do. His eyes flicker to the radio before going back to Merlin's face. Without a word Merlin understands perfectly._

" _Three, two, one." Arthur mutters, barely moving his lips as the music swells._

 _The moment the chorus starts they both start mouthing along to the lyrics._

 _Neither of them notice Morgana turning the crappy little video camera in their direction, filming everything._

* * *

"Sir?"

Arthur looks up from the paper he's marking. One of his students stands in the doorway of his classroom. It's Sophia Eldington, a tenth year in his Ancient History class.

"Miss Eldington," he says softly, getting up to pull a chair over to his desk for her. "How can I help?" he ask.

Sophia drops her bag at her feet as she sat down.

"Sophia?" he asks gently.

Her fingers fiddle with the badges on her tie as she looks at his laptop. His desktop is open, slowly flipping through his photo albums.

"Captain… Captain Emrys was your husband," she says softly. Arthur stiffened slightly, eyes flickering to the photo of him and Merlin on the screen.

"Yes, he was."

"I… ummm," Sophia sniffed, wiping a hand over her eyes. "I think my brother was in his unit," she say finally. "He… he never really told us anything, because he couldn't. It was always classified. But he really respected Captain Emrys, said he got him out of a sticky situation with his former CO."

Arthur shut his eyes for a moment, remembering the name from what Merlin had told him. "Bohrs Eldington."

Sophia nodded. "I just want you to know, sir. And I'm sorry for your loss."

"Thank you, Sophia. I'm sorry for yours too."

"Sophia," he calls just as she's leaving. "My door is always open if you need someone to talk to."

"Thank you, sir. I'll be sure to remember that."

After she's left Arthur's hand goes to the set of dog tags hanging around his neck, a silver ring with them.

* * *

" _Oh. My. Gods."_

 _Before Arthur is completely aware of what's happening he's being dragged by the arm across the grass. When he gets his bearings back he realises that Merlin's dragged them into a line for one of those photo booths._

 _Arthur shakes his head at Merlin's childish antics. It hadn't taken long for Arthur to come to the conclusion that Merlin acted even more childish than usual when he was home because it all built up while he was being all serious and adult like when he was deployed._

 _Sometimes he worries._

 _But then he remembers that he acts like a teen at work sometimes so he can't really talk._

 _They spend several minutes in the booth, continuously feeding the machine coins until they run out._

 _The tiny photos turn up everywhere for months._

* * *

It ends with a knock on his door seven months, two weeks and five days after the first.

He's not completely sure why, but everyone has decided to spend the day at his place. He suspects it's because it's his and Merlin's anniversary… but that just might be a horrible coincidence. At least that's what he tells himself.

Arthur stopped trying to stop them months ago and just lets them in whenever they 'drop by'. And besides, they bring food and, sometimes, alcohol.

Considering the fact that everyone is already lounging around his flat they all stop and stare at Arthur when they hear the sound of knuckles rapping against the wooden front door. He shrugs and set his plate down before disappearing from their view to see who it is.

A man in a uniform stands there.

Arthur stops breathing. This isn't something he's dreamed before.

"Happy anniversary, prat," the man says, his voice think with emotion and tears.

Arthur's knees buckle and a desperate sob wrenches itself from his throat. The man lunges forward to catch him, forgetting that he needs crutches to keep himself up, and they both go tumbling to the floor with a loud thud.

" _Arthur!?_ " several voices yell. Arthur barely hears them over the roaring in his ears and his own shuddering sobs.

Footsteps thud and there are several shrieks and yells but Arthur ignores them, winding his arms tight around the man lying sprawled over him. He's thinner, much thinner, than the last time they saw each other. His hair is long and hangs to his shoulders in messy waves. His eyes hold horrors that Arthur can't remember them having and his lips press into Arthur's neck, moving in words that Arthur can't hear.

Arthur remembers with extreme vividness how Gwaine, Lancelot and Percival pull the two of them to their feet. Leon grabs the crutches as Arthur supports the man to the sofa.

He ends up with the man lying in between his legs, their arms around each other, surrounded by their friends.

Arthur takes of the wedding ring that has hung around his neck for over a year and slips it onto its rightful place on the man's finger.

A small square photo falls from the man's pocket as he shrugs out of it. The edges are worn and frayed, the image is faded and coloured from dirt and dust, drops of blood stain a corner. It disappears under the sofa to be found another day.

"I'm sorry," the man whispers hoarsely. It's a bit ambiguous but Arthur knows he needs to say it.

"You're here," Arthur murmurs in answer, carding his hand through the man's hair. "With me. That's all I've wanted, Merlin."

* * *

 **Almost forgot to add this, but, like always, I don't own anything.**

 **I know that the songs are more about a relationship ending because the person who is being sung about fell out of love with the person singing, or something thereabouts. Let's just ignore that shall we.**

 **Part of the title come from the song _Here With Me._ The lines goes: _Don't want your picture, on my cell phone, I want you here with me. Don't want your memory, in my head now, I want you here with me_. Which, if you couldn't is what it's all about. Merlin dying while deployed in the SAS and Arthur figuring out how to live without him and desperately wanting him back and things to be back to the way they were. Italics bit are the past, before he 'died'.**

 **Also, bonus bits. YAY.**

 **So, in my head there are two fun parts that I wanted to put in but I couldn't figure it out. The first is that whenever Arthur ends up back at work Sophia finds him and they hug and be all happy (because her brother survived as well). And secondly, Merlin got Honourably Discharged and never ever ever left Arthur again :D. Yes, i'm a sap. I would think that's obvious by now. Ohhhhhh, and a third thing actually, you can use your imagination mostly, but what happened to Merlin was that they ended up in the hands of the enemy and that's all I've got. And they somehow escape or are rescued (obviously).**

 **-Nita**


End file.
